You hear about story tellers getting writers block. Well believe it or not it can happen to the casual blogger too! Who knew?
It’s not just been a couple of weeks of writing block for me now, it’s been coming up to a year.
A statistic that kind of shocked me when I looked to see how long it had actually been.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me and why I'm so unmotivated at the moment. I’m not down or depressed or troubled. I think I’m just exhausted! Exhausted from a pregnancy that was quite frankly nothing short of traumatic and permanently brain fried from the day to day reality of having three children. There are no words in my brain by the time evening sets in to write down tales of our day like I used to. I wake up feeling hungover (although I’m not, obviously) and go to bed feeling even more hungover. The first year of a babies life is a viscous cycle of exhaustion and whilst I’d love to have a written month by month diary to look back on and see how Ivy has grown like I managed with the other too, I’m not going to pressure myself into doing it or feel guilt for not getting round to it. Honestly, I have no strength left to summon for this blog right now and that’s okay. I can pick it back up again when Ivy’s older and when I have the energy to write with more regularity. But not now. Not at the moment. When my brain just about stretches to dressing and feeding my kids and making sure they get to school and nursery on time. And downing the coffee and watching back to back catfish on MTV in order that I don’t fall asleep upright on the sofa with Ivy and miss the kids school pick up times. And rinse and repeat.
I see more of Nev and Max than I do my own friends lately that's for sure.
I do still have photos though, that's one thing I have been able to keep up with. A different way of keeping memories on the blog that is just as precious to me. So thank god for photos; the simple click of a button to take a picture and preserve a memory that I’m too tired to write about.
So there’s the explanation for my silence on here over the last year or so. At the moment all my time is being spent on making sure myself and my little team are happy and healthy and so far it’s going well. Life is good and my heart is full.
And blogging will still be here waiting for me when I choose to come back.
On to a little update of the kids. Ivy's 4 and a half months and an incredible little character. I always say that I reckon she thinks she's older than she is because she likes to be permanently sat upright on my knee and hates laying back in my arms like those newborn days. She smiles and laughs at anyone who looks her way. Chats to herself in the mirror and sleeps through most nights.
At 4 months old she feels more grown up than either of the others did at her age and I find myself wondering often if that comes from having two older siblings around. She's constantly watching them; amused by their rough housing. It wont be long before she's joining in their fun. Something I both fear and look forward to seeing.
I'm wistful of the baby days already if I'm honest. Of course she is still very much a baby. But there's no more night feeds, swaying to sleep or winding. Things I never thought I'd miss - but I do. I really really do. And all the while my other two some-what larger babies are growing and changing too. Lily's lost 4 teeth in the space of a week recently. She looks like a hockey player and the gaps kind of freak me out - I've always been squeamish when it comes to teeth - but she loves it, makes her feel more grown up. Arch turned four in January and I've been meaning to do an update but its yet another thing I'm yet to get round to. He starts reception in six months and I cant believe we're back here again. Didn't Lily start reception just yesterday? It cant have been nearly 4 years, can it?
I think I'll worry for Arch more so than I did when Lily started. He's my sensitive one and I often wonder if he'll be ready for school in the same way his sister was. But I'm aware a lot can change between now and September I guess. We'll just have to wait and see.
With the days hurtling by in a blur of noise and chaos I cant help but feel like time is slipping through my fingers. Much like grains of sand, I'm trying so hard to hold on to it but time is vanishing in front of my eyes.
I keep drawing myself back in to the present lately for exactly this reason. I need to stop brooding about losing these incredible years and get back to enjoying this period of time in my life whilst I'm still in it.
I just cant help but not want these messy chaotic years to end. Cant they stay little for ever?
With that being said, I have a lot of plans for the years ahead, both career wise and house reno wise which I'll be blogging about in time. I'm desperate for the years to slow down, but for the first time in a long while I'm also feeling so excited for the future for myself as well as my kids.
& damn if that's not a good head space to be in.
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