The best way to describe it is its like feeling horrendously poorly, every single day. Like carrying round a virus with you that just doesn't leave unlike other viral infections. When you are poorly you get to lay down in bed and rest, until you are better. But I don't. Because this is my life. Every second of every day is a struggle. A battle with my own body with no end in sight. Every day I wake up and know I'm still going to be in the same amount of physical pain. The pain in my head varies but it's always,
always there. Sometimes like a building pressure, a band squeezing and squeezing, tighter and tighter with every movement I make until it's excruciating (that's the easiest one to cope with, believe it or not) and other times it's a rushing, a roaring, a pounding that doesn't end, doesn't so much as waver. Those ones are the worst, the pounding. Both because I'm physically sick with it and because I can't function at all through the level of pain. Its harder to keep up the act, even though I try to. I refuse to go to bed and succumb to it. I just sit there and feel it, and act like I feel normal so my kids don't suspect. Every day it's one of the two types. For as long as I can remember..childhood, adulthood. Not once in my entire memory have I ever experienced a pain free day in my temples.
Next is the nausea and vertigo. Every single day I feel sick, faint, dizzy. Again, nothing seems to get rid. Not the amount I eat or what I eat. The amount I drink or how active or inactive I am. Always nausea, always there. I could be sick every single day for the rest of my life if I let myself. But most days I force it down. How am I only just realising that this isn't right, isn't normal?
Then there's the dizzy spells. I experience vertigo daily many many times a day and have at least one period a day where I think I'm going to black out. I used to sit there in primary school and grip the sides of my chair and will myself not to pass out because
omg, the embarrasment. I taught myself from a very young age how to stop it from happening - excuse myself to the toilet, head between legs, deep breaths. And continued to do so all through out high school, and now my adult life.
