Which child needs me more? | Blogmas Day 9

Truth time here. Having two children is way harder than I thought it would be. I've been thinking about it a lot recently and I've come to the conclusion that the things I thought I'd find hard about having more children are not actually the things I've found to be hard at all. Does that make any sense?

During Archers pregnancy the main two things I would worry over was a repeat of colic and how I would deal with sleep deprivation with two on my hands. But actually neither has turned out to be as bad as I thought. It's all been suprisingly manageable. I think not having that first time panic this time round means I don't question every decision to do with Archer in the way I did during Lily's baby days. Nor do I get that overwhelmed feeling I used to get every time Lily was hurt, miserable or poorly. Granted Archer's colic turned out to be nowhere near as horrific as Lily's, like, not even on the same scale so that definitely helped but I also think it's just been a natural progression of having more confidence in what I'm doing as a parent. I've made no secret of the fact that Archers sleep is abismal, the complete opposite to Lily, my little sleeping angel who slept through the night from 9 weeks but even sleep deprevation doesn't effect me in the way I was worried it was. Am I tired? Hell yeah. Of course I am, I've not slept in 10 months, I'm freaking exhausted! But I tend not to dwell, I just get on with it and for the most part it doesn't really bother me.

Anywho I'm rambling and I'll get to the point of this post before I head off on a tangent about baby sleep. The thing I've actually found the toughest about having two children, the thing I hadn't really even thought about during my second pregnancy is knowing who to go to first when both of them want my attention. A question I seem to constantly ask myself - which child needs me more?

I actually wrote out 'who to prioritize first?' when I wrote that sentence. Then I back spaced and re-typed because the word prioritize doesn't seem right, especially as they're both being seen to eventually. But that is how I feel on a daily basis - that I'm prioritizing one over the other. And it sucks.

When Archer was a newborn myself and James made sure to make an extra effort to make sure Lily was getting as much time and attention as she always has. We'd tag team the kids - You deal with the baby and I'll play with Lily - that kind of thing to make sure they both had one on one time. However as soon as James' paternity leave was over and he returned back to work I truly realised how hard that was to continue on my own. No matter what I'd do it felt like someone was always being left out.

Much like most babies really, when Archer was teeny tiny he wouldn't be put down for a second. I couldn't get on with the wrap and I remember telling myself the same mantra on a daily basis to ease the guilt. The mantra being that as soon as he's old enough to sit up on his own he can sit on the floor with toys. Then he'll be weaned and be feeding less and therefore I can devote more time to Lily again.

& I'd like to say that's been the case I really would but in reality it just hasn't. Now he's sitting up, now he's mobile and eating solids I'm honestly still struggling to find a balance between the two of them just as much. Maybe even more so.

A lot of that I think is down to Archer's personality in general. He's very much a mummys boy and has been from day one. He may not be a newborn anymore but he still wants to be held just as much. He requires a lot of attention (again the opposite to Lily who has always been miss independent) and thats just the way he is. And I like that about him actually. I adore his constant cuddles. I just struggle with the fact that it takes away from time with Lil.

Sometimes I look across the room at her playing on her own and I feel sad. And guilty. Because she's usually playing games that we used to play together - tea parties, etc and now she's having to play it by herself. & I try to join in, I always try, but seriously we probably get about 5 minutes max before Archer crawls up my leg and screams for attention. Or crawls over and knocks down whatever it is we're playing with haha. And so more often than not the game ends up being abandoned and I sit there feeling more and more acutely aware by the second that soon enough my big girl will be starting full time education and the only time we'll have to do this is on the less busy weekends. 

There's also the times when they're both crying at the same time. Ugh, they're the worst aren't they? I mean who do you go to first? I often try and gather them both up on my knee at the same time. But then Archer will smack Lily and pull her hair because he wants my entire lap to himself (yes he's at that stage!) which obviously makes Lily cry harder. So I just end up making a snap decision. In that very precise second who needs me more?

So yes. This is what I find the hardest about having two. & I know this post sounds really negative but sometimes you just have to give in to the mum guilt and have a good moan about it on your blog dontcha.  I feel much better for getting it out now!

I read once that having two children is nothing more than a constant juggling act & that's exactly it! But at some point I need to just let go of the mum guilt and realise that they're both happy and healthy kids and I'm doing the best I can. At the end of the day, that's all any of us can do.

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